Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Do vagina's smell?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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