It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
