Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
