I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
