Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
