I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
