this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
