we made out on top of his cat.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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