You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
