Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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