Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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