Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Randomize
