You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
