I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
