Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
