how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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