Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
