Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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