My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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