there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
