happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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