Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
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