Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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