Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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