i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
