If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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