can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
