you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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