It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
