Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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