Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
