I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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