Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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