you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
this boner is exhausting
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
