i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
