I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
