What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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