this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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