I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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