I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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