I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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