did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
