so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
