i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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