I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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