Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
