very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
