I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
