they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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