morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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