she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
